Lately, there’s been this not-so-new phenomenon of girls talking about what life would be like if they were boys. So in the footsteps of Ciara and Beyonce, I present to you: “What I imagine life would be like as a boy.”
Yooo, what’s up? How are you? I don’t actually want to know what’s up or how you’re doing, I’m just saying that as a formality. So if you thought that was your cue to start talking about your lame and meaningless day, let me assure you that it wasn’t.
Yeah man, so work is sucking it up. I got in this morning, late as usual, but I don’t care cuz no one’s keeping tabs on me anyway. My goal at work is to get paid as much as I can by doing as little as possible. So far it’s working. I’m definitely getting promoted this year and I haven’t lifted a finger. As long as I keep making small talk with the manager about golf and Wall Street, I’m a shoe-in.
I skimmed the headlines on NFL.com to make sure I can BS my way through the next football conversation with the guys. I also checked my Fantasy team. I didn’t even watch 80% of the games on Sunday, but it doesn’t matter because I only keep track of the points that my fictional team racks up. I have no real athletic ability, so I have to live vicariously through my fantasy team whose dynamics will never exist in real life. But I talk a big game anyway; like how I’d knock people out on the line, or burn any receiver in the 40.
There’s this girl in my office. She’s totally into me. She walks past my cubicle like 10 times a day. And she definitely smiled at me when I held the door open this morning. Yeah, she wants me. She’s hot too; great body. I’ve never actually spoken to her, nor do I plan on it. I’d rather just create hypothetical scenarios in my head about me asking her out and us getting a drink after work. I mean she probably has a boyfriend, or else she would have approached me. These females are always talking about equal opportunity, yet they’re too old fashioned to make the first move. I don’t have time for games like that. Girlfriends are for chumps anyway.
I still live at home with my mom. It’s awesome. I don’t pay rent. Heck, I don’t even pay for food. Mama dukes even makes my lunch. It’s sweet. She does my laundry too. It’s like living in a hotel; I don’t have to worry about anything. My other guy friends all live in the city. That’s lame. Look at all the money they’re wasting on rent. Yeah it takes me triple the time to get to work, and yeah I can’t hang out after work cuz I’ll miss my bus from the metro, but you should see my bank account. I have so much money to spend on video games and superfluous technology, it’s ridiculous. I just bought this $400 virtual reality head gear. Now when I play Halo, I’m actually IN the game. It’s insane. Girls love my virtual reality head gear.
Well, I’d love to talk more about myself, but Entourage is on. Man, I love that show. I’m totally like Johnny Drama…straight up badass. Crap, my mom is calling. I forgot to get eggs. Keep it real suckaaaaas.
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