If I Was a Reality-TV Star

Sometimes, when I’m at work and I have a lot of time on my hands to daydream and surf the net (not like now or anything) I think about what I’d do if I wasn’t sitting at my desk staring at my computer screen. I think about if I was in South America, if I was in a rock band, if I was at home in my bed. And then I imagine what my day would be like in those roles. Today, I thought about what it would be like if I were on a reality show. Yes, what my day would be like if I was a reality-TV star.

First thing I decided was that I’d be the cool kind. Not the kind you watch to make fun of (i.e. Snooki). But someone you’d watch and say, “man, I wish I could meet her.” There’s not many of these kinds, but I’d be one of them.
Second thing, I would not be on a dating show. I don’t like the idea of being eliminated based on my inability to talk to boys. That just seems unfair. If you wanted to see how bad I am at flirting, just rewind life to high school.
I also wouldn’t want to be on any kind of physically strenuous show…like Biggest Loser. I don’t think I qualify for Biggest Loser, but in the event that I did, I would be too lazy for all that weight-losing. No sir, not me.
I guess that pretty much leaves the Real World. But I’m not that antagonistic to start the kinds of overly-dramatic arguments that MTV would expect of me. Scenes with me would be something like:
Other cast member: I really can’t stand kids with immigrant parents
Me: Cool, that seems completely unwarranted and irrelevant. I’m gonna head to the park for a picnic. I’d invite you, but my immigrant parents might be there.
Or maybe:
Other cast member: Let’s get wasted tonight and make bad decisions for all of our friends, family, and complete strangers to witness on cable television!
Me: Isn’t it Thursday night?
Other cast member: Exactly.
Me: Well then, have fun. Community’s on!

Maybe I could have one of those shows where they’re just so intrigued by my life that they decided to have a camera crew follow my every move. I’d feel bad for the camera crew, though. Eight hours staring at a computer screen takes a certain kind of soul-numbness that one can only aspire to attain. But at least they’d be entertained when I’d go to see my family. Nights at my mom’s would be the segment called, “What Will She Say Next?.” Nights at my sister’s would be titled, “When Kids Are Smarter than Their Parents.” That’s Emmy-worthy stuff right there.

Until someone does discover me and decides to pay me $100,000 an episode (in your face, cast of Jersey Shore!) to just be my awesome self, I guess I’ll settle for creating more hypothetical scenarios in my head. I’m also available for live, guest appearances. Did someone say Bat-Mitzvah??