Sometimes I think freedom can be crippling. I think we’re so used to living our lives with some kind of limit or some kind of instruction, that to be completely free would scare us. I think we are afraid of freedom. We say that we’re not. In fact, we’ll march and protest and yell and write about how freedom is our right, our essential need, our whatever. But I think if somehow we were to obtain complete and limitless freedom, we wouldn’t know what to do.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve fought to be independent; in every way possible. I wanted to be independent of my mother, independent of my classmates, independent of my culture. When I stopped to think about how far I’ve gotten and the obstacles that I’ve overcome, I wondered if there’s anything I can’t do. And that stresses me out like nothing else. The thought of “I could go back to school” “I could quit my job” “I could move to another country” “I could bla bla bla”… freaks me out. There are too many options. For a girl that was raised where every where she looked, there was something or someone that told her no, an open door is terrifying. And that’s how I feel right now. I feel crippled. Like someone placed me in a wide open field, and I’ve all of a sudden become agoraphobic.
There are people in other parts of the world fighting wars for what I have. Being killed for what I have. Losing their homes, jobs, families for what I have. And yet what I have scares me. And because of that, I can’t do anything with it. I can’t capitalize on my freedom because I’m too scared to find out where it’ll take me. Too scared to make a mistake. Too scared to do something and fail in the end.
I’d rather someone sit me down and hand me a list of what I’m supposed to do for the rest of my life, than have to make a decision. And when I acknowledge the reality of my inhibitions, I’m saddened. Mostly because of how pathetic I am, or how ungrateful I am; how void of passion my life is, how willing I am to succumb to complacency.
What happened?
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