I read a blog post the other day titled, "God isn't who I thought He was." Or something along those lines. And honestly, it was the first time in a while that a piece of Christian literature caught my attention. But I was a little disappointed after reading the article. Here's why: it was still nice. The post had a misleading title. It made me think that someone, finally, a fellow Christian, was about to throw down on their misunderstandings of God. I thought someone was finally going to be honest on how they've been let down by God. I thought someone was going to give God the business. But they didn't. Instead, it was an article about how God was a lot more loving and full of grace than they expected Him to be. And I'm not denying that or saying it isn't true. But is that it? Is that all they misunderstood? I felt like the author was still trying to be nice. Kind of like when someone offends you, but you semi-address it and then blanket it with something self-depracating. "Oh no, I'm not offended that you called me stupid. I can be stupid at times. Silly me, thinking I know things." So I decided that since the post wasn't what I wanted to read, I'd write what I wanted to read.
God is not who I thought He was. He's not this magical superhero I thought He was. He's not Batman. He doesn't stop criminals by night and flash a charming smile by day. He's not that talkative either. In these past few months, if I could pick one word to describe God, it would be: unpredictable. I serve and obey and follow an unpredictable God. Now, this may not be the post that you wanted to read. And you can save yourself the frustration and close this tab (I'm assuming you're using an updated browser that has tabbing). But I'm also not sorry. God is not the God that Sunday School taught me. Because I was taught that my God was the kind of God who intervened when people made bad decisions. Or the kind of God who gave you dreams about missions to accomplish. Or even the kind of God who fixed horrible situations. Whoever gave me the impression that God could be called to action by shining a light in the sky…that guy lied. God is not a God who can be persuaded. He can't be won over, or impressed with good behavior. No matter how hard you try, you cannot control God's behavior. Because He's an unpredictable God. He works when He works, and He doesn't when He doesn't. And every day, I feel less and less pivotal.
I'm not sure where all of this falls in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I'm just going through a phase. Maybe I'm in a "valley". Maybe I've just become disenchanted. I know my God is a God of miracles, of blessings, of victory. But what I've come to experience is that He's also a God of particularity. And I've just begun to understand that I don't understand God.
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