Instagram Offenders

I love Instagram.  I mean, if I want to be a hipster, I have to.  It's part of our creed.  But there are many things on Instagram that make me cringe, cry, or  want to punch myself in the eyeballs.  And for some reason, they keep making it to the "popular page."  Which makes me even sadder.  Here are my top offenders:

1. Pictures of marijuana.  Why are you posting pictures of your illegal drugs?  Why?  What are you hoping to inspire?  Do you want me to admire or envy you?  If so, you have failed on both accounts.  Instead, I think you're an idiot.  Congratulations.

2. Pictures of people smoking marijuana (or anything, for that matter).  Same feelings as noted above.  This may come as a surprise, but people over the age of 18 are not wowed by images of smoke-exhalation.  We get it.  You inhaled something.  You breathed it out.  Again, congratulations.  You rebel, you.

3. Pictures of girls with their hand on their hip.  Please, for the love of God Almighty, think of another pose.  Or, you can just not pose.  It's ok to stand there.  I understand the dilemma of not knowing what to do with your hands.  Should I leave them to my side? Should I cross them? Should I give a thumbs up?  It's a tough decision, I know.  You are not on a runway.  No one is asking you to model your outfit. 

4. Selfies.  The kind where you think you look good, and you're trying to flaunt it.  Please, please stop taking pictures of yourself.  If you want affirmation or attention, get a hobby.  Don't take a selfie and post in on the internet…for everyone (yes, even the creepy 50 year old man who recently divorced his wife) to see.  While we're on the topic, please stop making kissy faces.  Kissy faces should only be used when you are kissing something or someone.  90% of the time, there is no end-receiver.  It's just your puckered up lips…alone…looking stupid.

5. "Poetic" sayings or quotes that over-simplify complex situations or falsely inspire.  Examples: "Don't worry, if it's supposed to happen, it will."  False and over-simplified.  "Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about."  Potentially extremely bad advice.  "We're not dating but you're still mine."  That one's just psychotic.  "In the end you only regret the things you didn't do."  Really?  Clearly written by someone who hasn't finished college yet.

6. Pictures of nail polish.  Just don't.

7. Text message conversations that aren't objectively funny.  How to know if your text conversation is objectively funny: it's not.  Don't take a screenshot of it and put it on Instagram.

8. "That Awkward Moment" posts.  If it's not truly an awkward moment, pick another adjective.  "That awkward moment when you realize you didn't study for your test."  That's not awkward.  That's a sensation known as "failing."  It's crappy.  Maybe you should study next time.

Alright, that's all I can think of at the moment.  I'm sure I'll come across more…and I'll just add them in.  Consider this a working document.  Also, if you have found that you are guilty of any of these, I'm sorry for insulting you.  But you should also just be ashamed of yourself.  If I end this with a smiley face, will it be less harsh? :)