Theories: Government Jobs

People who work for the government do about 15 minutes of actual work in an 8 hour shift. In other words, they pretty much don’t do anything. They come in, sit at their assigned office space, and preoccupy themselves with non-work related conversation, eating, and internet surfing; and in some instances, napping. These people literally show up to get a paycheck. Whether or not that paycheck is “earned” is completely subjective. The government created these positions because rather than have these people unemployed, sitting on their couches, they are technically employed. This decreases the unemployment level in the country, which in turn makes the United States look incredibly efficient and laced with opportunity. In actuality, the U.S. just employs anyone; and as a result, government agencies are so very inefficient. Here are the five categories of government employees:

1. Ex-hippies who are now 40 years old or older. You can distinguish these types by certain apparel and/or phrases. They may be wearing Birkenstocks or some other type of flat, unfashionable shoe. If they’re male, they have beards. If they’re female, they have un-dyed gray hair. They may also be wearing Hawaiian shirts or other clothing items reserved for vacations. Their conversations may sound something like, “the man said so” or the use of “cool” during professional exchanges.

2. Dorky kids who made corny jokes in high school, never went away for college, and somehow got hooked-up with a government job. You can distinguish these types by phrases they may use such as, “that screensaver is purdy” “good morning to my loyal subjects” or “do not disturb the (insert first name) .” They tend to wear khaki pants, but with sneakers. They may be completely overqualified for their position yet have no desire to look elsewhere for another job opportunity. They listen to music while working and place printouts of funny yet inappropriate images they found on the internet around their workspace.

3. People with strong, foreign accents. They take these jobs because they get to use technical terms that make them feel like they’ve mastered the English language. Their grammar and pronunciation will be horrible and at times completely incomprehensible, but they will have excellent usage of acronyms. They will usually answer personal phone calls in their native tongue, which tend to be incredibly audible to the rest of the office. These types are usually hired to improve office diversity and to avoid discrimination suits.

4. The random janitorial/maintenance/security guy who talks to any and everyone about stories that take at least an hour to tell. These stories are usually concerned with current events, popular culture, or conspiracy theories. These men can be distinguished by a jingling of keys and/or a uniform. They spend the majority of their days walking around the building or watching TV. They are a great resource if you’re trying to kill time or avoid doing work.

5. Mothers. These women tend to have 3 or more children, tacky fashion sense, and wear an abnormal amount of jewelry (including but not limited to 2 or more rings per hand, anklets, toe rings, and multiple necklaces and/or charms). These women can only use their computers to access work email and other office related databases. If they are asked to perform a computer related task that is not part of their daily routine, they will usually complain, freak out, or call the IT Help Desk (even if this task is to create an Excel spreadsheet). These women can be found fixing their hair or faces in the restroom throughout the workday. They also tend to leave work sporadically to handle family business (i.e. taking Johnny to the dentist, picking Sarah up from school because she threw up in class, etc).

Overall, it is clear that the government creates jobs as an effort of social reform; probably left over from the post-depression-FDR era. What’s even better is that our taxes pay these peoples’ salaries. And yet sadly, these are the most sought-after jobs. Are we lazy? Or just burnt out from that private company? Either way, the message conveyed here seems to be “work for the government; it helps out everyone.”