Too Many Chiefs, Not Enough Indians

By the grace and mystery of God, I was promoted at work.  And I am thankful.  But my new role has taught me a few things about myself that I thought I would share:

1. I am terrified of coming off as one of “those” females.  You know the kind.  The “I’m in a position of authority, so I feel the need to be mean to overcompensate for the fact that I’m a woman.”  There are other colloquial terms for them, but I’ll just stick with “those.”  Because of this fear, I apologize every time I correct someone else’s mistake and every time I delegate unpleasant tasks.  I’m also overly conscious of my tone and diction when writing emails.  I use “we” when I mean “you”; I try to never use commands; and I end everything with “thanks,” even if doesn’t really apply.
2. I am unnerved when it comes to delegating work.  Of course, we all know by now that I always feel better doing things myself.  At least when it goes badly, there’s no one else to blame.  But relying on someone else?  When I could do it myself?  And maybe even better?  That’s a whole other world for me.  Another lesson in letting go...
3. I am constantly worried about being an example.  If I leave early, it means you can leave early.  If I come in late, it means you can come in late.  I can never say, “do as I say, not as I do.”  Mainly because I don’t believe in that; and also because of my fear described in number 1.
4. I never know when I’m sharing too much information.  Both personally and professionally.  When I’m explaining something, I end up cutting myself off because I feel like I’m talking too much.  And when I’m sharing my personal beliefs on say, work-life balance, I regret everything I said once the conversation’s over.  I’m worried that either what I say will be used against me, or that I’m just overwhelming you.  I have no idea how to talk anymore.
5. It is very hard for me to hide my frustration.  Usually, my frustration stems from stress and rarely from something someone else has done.  Unless you make me stressed.  Basically, I’m not good with stress.  So when I’m stressed, I’m frustrated; and when I’m frustrated, I’m unpleasant.  And then we come full circle to number 1 above.

I don’t think God made me to manage people.  I think I’m pretty much stitched to be a doer and a follower.  But the thing is, I can never say that out loud (blogs don’t count).  Because once your boss or employer hears that you’re not “leader material,” you’re basically labeled as “headed nowhere.”  I just wish the people up top were ok with people like me: people content to work for the people up top with no desire to ever be the people up top.  I blame society.